Tony is at work today, and my friend is still in Mexico, so I spent another day lounging around the house in my pyjamas. I'm remembering why I was so bummed out when I first came here and didn't spend all my time at Elizabeth and Rick's. It's really BORING!
The two main problems that I can see are;
1. I am desperately lazy. Like, it's not even funny how lazy I am. I could write, but I'm not bothered. I could shower and dress, but I'm not bothered. I tried scrapbooking, but I'm not bothered. See the pattern?
2. I have a mild anxiety "problem" and being here in California has aggravated it a little. I suppose because I'm away from my family, out of my comfort zone, in a place I'm not familiar with, borderline illegal (though not anymore, luckily) etc., it just makes things worse. I hate going outside the apartment alone, I feel like I'll be attacked or arrested or shot or run over or something. Occasionally, I will leave, and walk to the shops or something, but it's really not worth it in my eyes, because I end up feeling sick for the rest of the day and I can't eat and I'm anxious until Tony gets home the following morning. Yeah, I'm pretty much a dorkus malorkus.
However, things must change!! I say this all the time, it's true. And then my boredom and ennui and laziness and whatever else take over, and I fall back into old patterns. But I was surfing the net today, reading random blogs and so on, and a few things struck me;
- I generally feel bad about myself, physically. Shallow, I know. But I'm not very adept at doing makeup and hair, and even though I like clothes and shoes I don't have a flair for dressing nicely and I can't afford the clothes I'd like, so I end up either over or under-dressed. Standing next to my SILs, Elizabeth, random people on the street... I just feel out of place and silly, like a kid playing dress up. And my hair is just... ugh, don't even talk to me about how dreadful my hair is. But much of this is my own fault. If I took the proper time to DO my hair and learn about makeup, perhaps I wouldn't be such a walking disaster. I just dislike standing at the mirror for 30 minutes straightening my hair when it's going to be all dirty in a day or two and need to be washed. (On that note; shout out some good shampoo brands, my hair sucks ass right now in this weather) But I'm going to attempt to take better care of the way I look and see if that helps any.
- I am terribly lazy, so I avoid the gym when I can and I avoid walking places and I avoid all the boring stuff that active people like so much. But when I have kids - let's face it, folks, it's only another few years til I spawn - it's not like I'm going to undergo some kind of personality transplant and suddenly want to be active and take my kids out to sports and stuff. That's not fair on THEM. I need to change me, now, and be more healthy and eat more healthy and take care of myself and Tony, or I'll just wind up being a shitty mom to fat kids.
- People generally don't sit around all day long doing nothing and quitting everything. At least not mentally healthy people. Quitting the writing, quitting the scrapbooking, not going outside... it's all contributing to a potentially bigger issue. I tell myself it's "just til I can get a job" but in reality, I may not get one so fast in this economy. And I'm literally tossing cash away by NOT writing and trying to improve on that skill and make money out of it. I mean, I *want* to. I'd much prefer to be a writer than a clerk or secretary. And I know I lack motivation, and people keep saying I *should* be motivated. I *want* to be. But I don't... feel it. I need to figure out why and fix that.
So if you see me online during the day, and you suspect I'm playing Bejeweled or coveting the items on the Benefit website or adding to my Amazon wishlist - please, remind me not to be a waste of oxygen. :p
Okay, here's the secret they didn't tell you. Motivation is a really nice word for 'willing to kick my own butt til I do it' At least for me it is. Noone *wants* to work, they just get really good at focusing on what happens at the end of it.
ReplyDeleteEveryone is lazy, some days you'll RESENT what it is you have to do, hellishly so. But then you eventually see results. And you're like 'oh... right... cool!'
Sounds pants, but for me at least, that's how it works.
love you
M
Is it possible to volunteer with a local archaeology group? Surely they're not through with those tar pits! You need some good mental stimulation. Actually, you need a reason to get up in the morning. Forget the hair and makeup right now as they are just the icing on the cake. You need to get the cake motivated. Hmmm. Does that make sense?
ReplyDeleteI do understand about the anxiety problem. And Em, you do not want to go down that road if you can help it.
As much as I love my own Tony, our Tonys cannot be our whole life. They are a major part of the whole, but YOU are the whole. And don't go dirty on me here. You have to find out who you are, and you've been presented with a golden opportunity - time. Not everyone gets that gift, so get busy with making lists. I think the main lists are spiritually, financially, career, goals for the future, physically, marriage, relationships with others. There's probably more, but that's a start. What do you want out of each, and how are you going to meet those goals?
Wish you were closer by. You might as well be in Ireland still. Well, except we don't need a passport to visit you!
Hang in there sunshine. You'll be at work before you know it, dreaming of these days fondly.
Much love - Debra
Not that you need Weight Watchers, but I'm goign to share with you a lovely sentiment that I got from a Weight Watchers coaching book once:
ReplyDelete"Motivation may get you started, but it's good habits that get you to your goal."
I like to tell people that if I waited until I was motivated, I'd never brush my damn teeth.
Also, good results don't come from motivation, but motivation does come from good results.
BTW, can you tell that every time we talk about motivation at Weight Watchers (which is pretty frequently) I get a lot of dirty looks from people when I tell them I don't believe in it. Good habits is where it's at. Good habits get you places. Good habits get things done.
Hun I feel for you on soooo many levels. If it weren't for work, I would totally just sit at home and eat all day and surf facebook. I have 3 days a week off and besides grocery shopping, do not do anything physical at all. I LIKE jogging but hate running outside because I have similar fears as you, snatched, raped, ran over robbed etc. And no one in my house will jog with me. I have yoga discs and my roomies have Wii fit and I'm too lazy to bother, but now I'm getting a LOT of back pain (combo of sitting literally all day and the wreck I think) so I'm pushing myself to try and exercise after work and Friday's, but homework hell began LOL.
ReplyDeleteDid you finally get approved to live here for real? If so then if you can't get a job I'd suggest trying to do volunteer work somewhere with maybe animals or kids or something socially motivating.
And I think you are VERY pretty, and I always envied your style, dress and makeup/hair. I have similar phobias and qualms for it, I don't want to spend 20 minutes straightening my hair, when I can pull it back in 2 mins. Anytime I wear my hair down people freak because I just don't do it lol. I love makeup, it can't be financially healthy to own as much make up crap as I do, but I basically wear it the same way but different colors b/c I'm scared to try new things, I just recently discovered that I really DON'T look like a overdone slut if I completely line my eyes, it just takes a few minutes to adjust.
I think you can do whatever you wish to do and that you will find the proper energy to do it. It takes time to adjust to a new situation and find motivation to do what you want to do.
Mandi